He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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