Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
