i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
