I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
