I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
