It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
