Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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