Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
