I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
