FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
