perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
