My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
