You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
