My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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