does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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