It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
