Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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