i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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