dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize