We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
