I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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