i think my tv is drunk
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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