my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
