pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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