Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
