Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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