Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
