Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
