My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I believe in your delicious
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
