Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
