nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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