She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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