I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
