What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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