I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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