I think my vagina is haunted
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
