Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Your cock deserves a montage
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
