Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
