you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
