Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
