She is in my trunk
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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