theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
