I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
do herpes really smell.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
