i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
