Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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