i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
