I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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