apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
