it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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