I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
