Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
