i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize