I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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