i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
