I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
