he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize