We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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