She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I think i peed on brittanys purse
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
