In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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