She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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